Dragons, Devils, and Doomguy
by Harmlesstyrant
Summary: Thanks to the Doom Slayer, the demonic hordes went nearly extinct allowing the Devils to take over Hell. Now, he's back, and the DxD crew gets to try to survive the greatest human genocidal nutcase. (Note: this story will attempt to tread on the toes, bite the ankles, kneecap, and castrate the Canon of both works.) Oh, and I don't own shit.
1. Prologue, or Laughing Myself Awake

**The Beginning - Slayer**

' _You are lost.'_

Fuck off.

' _This blood won't sate your rage.'_

It never does.

' _Are you even truly human anymore?'_

Meh. You know what, if you aren't going to help, shut the fuck up.

 _'You are arguing with a voice in your head.'_

Does that mean I can carve you out?

' _You don't solve schizophrenia with a heavy application of serrated steel.'_

Goddammit…. Wait, maybe that's what you want me to think?

 _'Retard.'_

You're a voice in my head, so doesn't that make you a retard too?

' _Astounding logic.'_

Don't get sarcastic with me…, you know what, I'm gonna call you Effrum.

 _'You're naming the voices in your head.'_

But it fits! Besides, gotta laugh at something. It keeps me sane…. More or less.

 _'...You still miss her.'_

Every day… or whatever. Are there days in Hell?

' _Hell is timeless once you get this deep'_

 _'Really? You are not mature enough to last a conversation with yourself if the subject turns to how deep you-, STOP GIGGLING!'_

 **The Beginning - Cult of the Slayer**

"Do you hear it?" a devil girl inflicted with demonblight (a "disease" where body features betray a demonic ancestry, polluting a devil bloodline) whispered to her similarly afflicted friend. She couldn't hide the smirk growing of her face.

"Yumi, stop it. I get it, you want to be different, and let everyone think your so badass because you worship a monster, but he's dead. Humans are pathetic little vermin and it doesn't matter how strong we say one was, they just turn to dust or try to be us." The taller of the two, wearing a cowl to disguise a mass of quills she inherited, tried to hide her apprehension with aloof annoyance. Her friend seemed to bounce with mischievous excitement, antennae and all.

The two young devil girls argued as they climbed the stairwell of a worn stone shrine, carrying flowers and local fruit. The structure itself was a granite and cobblestone tower maybe thirty meters tall, carved into the walls was the story of a human who's rage took him to the depths of Hell, killing everything that moved. Scholars disagreed on whether such a being existed, but the religion maintains this 'Slayer' slaughtered enough demons for devils to settle into the majority of the Underworld. Considering the mass extinction level event that decimated the demonic population that said scholars theorize must have occured, the idea that any being, let alone a human, could have been responsible is laughable. However, the halls of ruins all over the Underworld depict such a being. This particular shrine, while nowhere near the most impressive or even the biggest, it is one of the few in the deeper circles. The majority of local devils deny ever visiting the shrine, and yet a massive of the resources and food produce seemed to be left in the antechamber to sate such a beast's appetite.

"Dammit Yumi, drop off the food so we can get out of here." The quills on the back of Aya's head rising in subconscious anticipation of an attack. Upon reaching said antechamber, the little ambient noise in the barren tundra of the region ceased, leaving unnatural silence. Yuri hummed out random notes that couldn't be called a tune. Aya, focused on the sound of her own heartbeat, and rustled her clothes, anything to interrupt the deafening nothing covering the room.

"Just a second, Aya, I-," she stopped looking around. "Are you doing that?" her cheerful expression dropped in half a heartbeat. Her antennae stood straight out, and froze.

"Don't you dare start this crap, again!" yelled at the top of her lungs, Aya tried to mask her fear with annoyance, but despite her emotional act she huddled next to Yumi commanded by survival instinct.

Both of them felt their blood chill when, from an altar on the edge of the room, they heard a giggle.

 **The Beginning - Ruin Princess**

Rias Gremory's nights of sleeping in the bed of a certain pervert had the unfortunate side effect of being, at least to those outside her social circle, inconvenient for quick communication. This, along with the many blunders of a novice angel (with next to no knowledge of the mortal world), led to the student council of Kuoh Academy deploying in force to the school grounds after hours, and apprehending a panicked messenger from 'Above.'

"So she scrambles around the school, asking for me!?" Rias' face conveyed amusement, but looking at her face was a bit difficult, due to two large, uncovered, and wet distractions being displayed.

Sona Sitri, wearing a more calculating expression, "She was, but when I talked to her she just gave me a warning about something 'waking' and the agents of Heaven either won't or can't help us anymore. Then she left." Again, in a similar fashion to her longtime friend, more than a little effort would be required to see her face. "I think she was just looking for a devil in a leadership position in this territory, and leave as soon as she could." Physically relaxing her petite frame, "Maybe a prank? She was a younger example."

"That's a bit dangerous for a prank, Sona. If my brother hears-," And before you could say 'speak of the devil', one Sirzechs Gremory teleported to his sister's side, to the ear-piercing scream of Sona and embarrassed fury, "We are in a BATH, BROTHER!" from said sibling.

Clad only in his 'comfort' attire (white silken shirt and slacks, sticking closely to his body), and lacking the armor, to enter the bath of his very well endowed sister would ordinarily be an incredible excuse to revisit the science of Eugenics in graphic detail. However, "We need to hide here, Rias. Within your territory."

"Excus-,"

"I'm sorry sister, but the House needs a place outside of the Underworld. I'm moving the family first but we have a lot of servants we need to make arrangements for, and I fear we may be out of time." A magic circle appeared beneath both Gremorys, teleporting away, leaving one Sitri to ponder if siscon among older Devils was a common occurrence.


	2. I'm BACK!

**Emergency Summit- Ruin Princess**

Rias, now considering today to be karmic justice for something unspeakable in a past life, was in the roaming hands of one Riser Phenex, though now clothed. They stood in a crowd of just under thirty noble devils, all looking up at Sirzechs (in appropriate attire) and Serafall Leviathan (not in her magical girl cosplay, amazingly). Murmurs of curiosity filled the grand chamber, usually an entertainment hall for guests, the immaculate marble floor that dominated the room was joined by a stage, usually for musicians. Instead, Serafall and Sirzechs whispered to each other, giving nervous glances to the crowd. The Phenex heir preoccupied himself with tracing Rias' pantyline through her dress. She busied herself staring daggers at the reflection on the floor.

It had been a little over twenty minutes since the gathering began when an angel appeared by way of magic circle. Inaudible to the crowd, words were exchanged and Sirzechs' scowl deepened, and Serafall adopted a somber expression. She stepped to the edge of the stage and announced, "Everyone, we have gathered you all here to to… fill in some gaps in the warnings we received." Pausing for a second, she searched out in the crowd, gazing over every member and, when failing to spot Sona, she continued, "Multiple servants of the Gremory, Phenex, and Sitri houses have been sent to contain a perimeter around a small town in the inner circles. Also, upon advice from our contacts in Heaven-" the angel nodded to the crowd, "we have begun evacuating the residents of surrounding areas up here." Again, she looked around for her sister, and her eyes cast down, "We believe the Slayer is waking."

 **Cult of the Slayer - Standoff**

Aya, having abandoned her cowl leaving the odd mix of quills and hair to be seen by all, stood upon an overturned handcart yelled insults at the surrounding mass of 'pureblood' devils. Hardly alone in this activity, nearly a third of the village had surrounded the ominous shrine, having picked up any food or valuables they had and ordered it at the foot of the structures staircase. Yumi, who had completely undressed for the event (partially due to somebody suggesting it would be insulting to hide their imperfections, and partially because her bladder gave out when she was in the antechamber) intently listened to the prayers of the village elders, the remaining villagers either also in prayer or had fled when the giggling began.

The 'Awakening', as it was being called, began about seven hours ago. Six hours ago, a festival had started, in pragmatic hopes that if they were to celebrate the being they would be spared his wrath. This was also when the various communication methods such as courier and magic circles spread the news to the entirety of the Underworld, quickly alerting the information network of angels. Four hours ago, armed and armored devils displaying the marks of the noble houses attempted to break up the festival and set up a barrier around the temple. The townspeople, not exactly scholars in magic, saw this as an attack and resisted. The standoff had been in place since, now a stalemate between one hundred increasingly desperate containment troops and eight hundred and counting increasingly fanatic villagers. The stalemate began shifting in favor of the village when devils from outside the region began flooding the area.

A particularly odd demonblight afflicted devil was being restrained by a Phenex squad, his skin hid a thin layer of chitin. His natural resistance to any physical countermeasures the noble forces were equipped with led to multiple of the force's personnel having to try to restrain him, causing a bit of a scuffle. When he was carried out of the immediate area of his compatriots, his words dripping with venom, "You better hope God takes pity on you, for the Slayer will not." He, and his captors, winced at the mention of His name. "Is your fear of God-" another wince "greater than the fear of his wrath?" Blood began pooling in the blighted devils ears. "You should all pray to God, for He is the only being that can stop what's coming!"

 **Evacuation - Agent**

Louisa Velerous, a woman of a slight build, blue hair, wearing a terminally disinterested expression, napped on a couch in her office. The very spartan room had a single barred window overlooking a busy market street, the desk facing it, and the couch behind the desk. She had just afforded herself this wonderful time to recharge when, from a doorway opposite the window, an angel walked through. The casually dressed (v-neck tee, khakis, braided belt. She would never admit it, but angels in the preppy look amused Louisa) messenger looked to her, and in a bored tone, "Got a visitor from home. Wants to talk with you."

"Fuck em." Louisa, refusing to look at her sergeant, took off her glasses and laid them on the arm of the couch, then squirmed around to get into a more comfortable position.

"She said she had a message from top," stressing the first word. The angel, name of Troy, leaned his annoyingly perfect figure on the doorframe.

"Is she hot?"

"Seven. Solid seven. In angel ranks." Troy's smirk punctuated the jab at his commanders humanity.

"Get her some babydoll lingerie and send her up."

Troy walked a few steps out of the room to the top of a staircase, viewing his two of his comrades flanking the robed angel in question. "Send her up."

The angel, blonde bun and all, all but ran up the stairs to escape her crude company, past Troy, and into the office, opening her mouth to voice greetings. She paused, not immediately seeing her contact, but instead saw a human playing with glasses. With an annoyed huff, she curtly asked, "are you Velerous?"

"No, I am Lady Velerous' incredibly attractive and uncannily identical body double." Louisa looked longingly at the couch pillow, her voice dripping with flat distilled sarcasm. Troy snorted, earning a glare from his superior.

"Excuse me?"

Louisa fitted her glasses on her face, and (while mentally undressing the holy lady) spoke, "Well, being that you are obviously _so_ above being in our little corner of Hell, _so_ much more qualified to be here than me, you must not be addressing a superior agent. You must be talking to a body double, instead of the operator responsible for hiding your presence, giving you shelter, protecting you, and taking up her precious time to wait for you to do your _fucking_ job." She then yawned and kicked her feet up onto the desk, reclining back onto the couch. The blonde stood in stunned silence.

"That means give the report." Troy whispered, always finding it fun not to be on the receiving end of one of those rants.

"Archangel Michael sends his apologies and prayers along with the message: He who gambled, met He who killed."

"And now I'm babysitting you." Velerous got up off the couch and reached under the desk, grabbing her personal FN P90 (Fabrique Nationale Herstal 1st Ring manufacturing, Heaven) and a vest, ceramic plates fitted inside. She barked at Troy, "We are evacuating. Code 3. Get the fuckups downstairs to start packing up."

Troy moved with purpose, not tense in his movements but ready. He opened the door and froze. He then went flying back, hitting the window. Glass shards flew but he was stopped from flying out by the bars. A female nekomata flew faster than the other two's eyes could track, landing a kick into Troy's head. Without missing a beat, the assailant turned to the angel, and shoulder checked her. She fell back, hitting the desk and then crumpled into a heap.

Louisa chambered a round and brought her aim up to the cat girl, but the firearm was quickly grabbed by her attacker as she leaped over the desk. The nekomata tackled the agent, pulled the gun and twisted. Louisa felt her finger break and lost her grip. The SMG was tossed away, and the agent, despite being a similar size, was easily wrestled down onto the couch. Her feline attacker grinned down at Louisa, the kimono that she was covered with (wearing being a strong word) draping down allowing easy viewing at certain assets, jet black hair falling in her prey's face, and claw like nails digging into her neck. Louisa, now completely overpowered looked the cat in the eyes and smirked, "Hello gorgeous." With a laugh of her own, Kuroka twisted with inhuman flexibility, and rammed her knee into Louisa's temple.

 **Cult of the Slayer - Riot**

A bunch of the noble troops carried over the chitinous devil to the front of the main crowd, and tossed him at their feet. He choked and spit some blood up. The yells from the crowd began to intensify, but an amplified voice boomed over, "YOUR RESISTANCE ENDS NOW"

A magic circle formed under the prisoner, shooting an ice spike into his jaw, embedding in the roof of his mouth. He began writhing in pain, the plating under his skin stopping the ice from entering his brain, but sealing his mouth closed. His blood started filling his sinuses and pouring into his windpipe. He coughed some of it up, letting it spray out of his nose. As he drowned, the crowd stood in stunned silence. Another few seconds passed, before a massive knock broke the silence, originating from the shrine.

The worshipers, stood like deer in headlights, before Yumi whispered, "He wakes!" A few of the surrounding devils parroted and in a few minutes the chant few to a deafening roar blocking out even the magically assisted voices of the containment force. Any of the worshipping devils still clothed stripped and bowed to the shrine, Aya once again cursing her quills as the shirt she intended to abandon was impaled and stuck to her head. She dropped to her knees and continued to struggle with her garb, the cloth now over her face blocking her vision.

A loud banging and heat registered to Aya as a shockwave torn through her. She fell, her hand being impaled on one of her quills. She tore the shirt away from her face. The naked masses were rushing the armored troops, being cut down, disintegrated, frozen or burned. The village was engulfed in flames, and the Slayer's shrine was engulfed in a dust cloud. Stone rained on her as she spotted an armored form summoning a magic circle aimed at the shrine. Aya began running towards him. A chunk of the shrine landed close to her target, distracting him. Aya tackled, and after giving and receiving a punch she grabbed the stone and wailed on the nobles helmet. He tried to defend himself but on the third strike his helmet caved in.

Aya, consumed by adrenaline, bashed rock against metal until the troops head was a pile of gore. She began whirling around looking for another target when she saw Yumi sprinting up the remains of the temple. Aya moved to follow, dodging spells and corpses. When she reached the foot of the stairs, another disintegration spell hit the shrine. Dust filled Aya's lungs as she climbed on all fours, pebbles shredding her limbs. She reached what was left of the antechamber, coughing too much to yell for her friend. A few steps inside the altar room's remains, she heard a scream originating a few feet in front of her. Looking down, an antenna, still connected by sinew to Yumi's head, lied under her foot. Aya vomited, trying to get over to what was left of her friend.

"Aya?" Aya crawled over to Yumi, eyeing a shard of stone embedded in her forehead.

"Yu-," again trying to speak but still being interrupted by coughing fits.

"Look what I found Aya!" Trying to lift her body, she grabbed what, to Aya, looked like a metal 'L'. She looked down and grabbed her friends hands.

"Yumi-" another spell rocked the shrine, partially burying the pair.

 **Awakening - Slayer**

"Ow." His voice hoarse, his muscles aching, the man clad all in bright green armor. He had been thrown out of his resting place.

 _This doesn't look familiar._

"Shut it, Effrum." He stood, letting gravel and dust pour off of him. Through the cloud, he saw a shaking figure. The Marine approached, and saw a spiky headed demon wrapped in bloody cloth, with a body covered in blood and God knows what, and in its hands was an arm holding-

 _It has your handgun._

The man stomped over, grabbing his sidearm. The creature looked up, wide eyed, at him. He hit the charge button and flicked off the safety, (still missing the old style handguns that you racked the slide. This was just a button, nowhere near as badass) and put it in the things face.

"Wha-" as a small energy slug passed through her head, the Doom Marine looked up at the sky and laughed.

"That was a shit nap."


	3. Brand New Day

**Author's Note:** **I need to thank you all for reading my ramblings, and I appreciate criticism, so I will respond to the big complaint: I gave Doomguy a voice. Now I get it, Doom 1 and 2 being the Goliath's that they are, you don't want to mess with that formula. The only idea that I could think of that kept with that idea was to treat Doomguy as something resembling a natural disaster, and have the OCs and the DxD crew playing in a survival story. However, probably because I'm a begginer, the rough drafts and story webs I created never felt as entertaining as Doomguy being a fish out of water. Doom actually treats you as an unstoppable force and it's incredible at it, but that isn't as interesting in literary mediums, so I'm going with an actual person behind the helmet.** **If that's not your thing, I get it, and thank you for taking** **the time to read this**. **Also, this chapter took so long because I was looking at squirrels.**

 **Agent - Captive**

Louisa, now nursing more than just a bruised ego, sat in the corner of a dark concrete room. Interior lighting was never a priority for containment cells, which didn't bother her comrades. Angels were gifted a magical affinity to light, and being that no less than four agents were ever in the room at a time, the human could rely on a subordinate lighting up the area. With the heavy steel and silver door barred shut, Louisa was blind. A prisoner in her own dark site.

The materials that were required to create an anti-magic field are expensive, bulky and easily detected by those who know what they are looking for, and therefore ineffective in her line of work. To compensate, her cell was designed to rebound any magic off the walls, using steel and iron lining. Any significant amount of magic directed into the walls would bounce, directing into the center of the room, and damn near killing anyone inside.

Her rational mind sparked to life, knowing that she couldn't escape lockdown, she opted to try to mend her finger. After a triad of explicatives she reset and bound the digit. She knew that part of the function of the room was to psychologically destroy a prisoner, and she needed to stay busy, escape being the word of the day. She took stock of what she had on her. She had apparently been thoroughly searched, her belt was gone and with it the knife she kept concealed in her buckle. Her ankle holster was gone, and the money clip she kept in her cleavage was missing as well.

However, her clothes, apart from her socks, remained. Louisa smirked. Skilled as she was, pussycat wasn't an operator. She moved around the room, and, now confident she was alone, stripped off her cotton button down.

Now, Louisa, from the day she began to develop, absolutely hated underwire bras. In her line of work, clothes wore out quickly, but even before she joined the damn things seemed fated to stab her. However, when on mission, she always wore one, and she prepared to demonstrate why. She tore the keeper of her girls apart with a little more glee than was really warranted, and took the thin strip of metal out. Leaving the shreds of fabric, she took the wire and wedged it under the door making sure it connected with both the door frame exterior and the door itself while still leaving an inch or so for her to work with. She then took her cotton top and remains of a polyester bra and began rubbing both on her nylon pants.

Being a human, Louisa had no natural magic affinity. Now, this did little to deter humans from using the arcane arts, but they usually had to rely on crutches like magic circles all the more. However, the only drawbacks of magic circles: being flashy, slow, and predictable, was something that Louisa couldn't afford. So she learned to have her magic piggyback on other powers and forces, for example, a static charge.

Louisa stuck her foot out to the strip, pooling magic around her and when the small spark (that still seemed blinding due to her clandestine surroundings) jumped from her toe, a small extrasensory spell tagging along. Louisa waited for a response, praying the steel had enough of its parent purified that it didn't nullify the magic conducting through it. After a second that seemed to last an eon, a spark returned, leaping back into her foot and imprinting a detailed picture into her mind.

The charge neutralized at the door, allowing the spell to act as a sort of echolocation, gave the half naked agent a still image of the compound. This cell was built under the building, constructed piece by piece into the basement of what used to be a comfortable two story home for a family of middle class devils, equipped with a stone security wall and small yard. The angels had bought it using a network of middlemen and several false credentials, then retrofitted it into the blacksite it now is. As far as she could tell, she was alone on this floor.

The next two gave her a surprise. The angels under her command had apparently never been alerted of the attack. The two actual agents she had stationed here were both in their rooms asleep, and her staff were at desks attending to menial paperwork and other protocol bullshit, and her security teams were either asleep or on standard guard. Her office was the only place that anything looked out of the ordinary. She immediately recognized Troy's unconscious form and that of their resident messenger, both bound behind the desk. The nekomata herself was mid step heading to the window.

Now forming a plan, Louisa began working to build up another static charge **.**

 **Evacuation - Ruin Princess**

It had to have been a small, cute puppy. The only way that Rias could possibly have all of this bad luck at once is if she did something unspeakable to some poor, defenceless puppy. Akeno returned with Issei in tow, apparently almost being killed by an exorcist. Millicas left to explore without anyone in the ORC knowing, until Gasper appeared under Rias' desk, nearly requiring a pry bar to get him detached from her leg. Sirzechs took a 'no harm no foul' stance while attempting to keep in contact with the rest of the family still in Hell, Grayfia included. Kiba and Koneko were off investigating the scene of the attack, as Akeno and herself tried to calm and keep an increasingly unstable Issei from attempting a rescue for some nun he met recently. The worst part? She had to keep smiling through the entire series. If she lost her resolve her servants would crumble, or that's what she told herself.

Rias herself was actually sent to bed when Sirzechs saw her increasingly frazzled state, and while decidedly NOT HELPING, Rias could not argue that she needed the rest. Of course, sleeping in her own bed was counterproductive to being out of contact, so she again opted to stay over in her pawns residence. After talking him down (and insinuating that, once again, she would be naked next to him)

 **Evacuation - Red Dragon Emperor**

 **HOLY HELL YES!!!**

 **Evacuation - Ruin Princess**

-easily enough, she magiced her way to the Hyodou residence, stripped, and crawled into bed. She lost consciousness before her head hit the pillow **.**

 **Brand New Day - Doom Slayer**

The supersoldier took stock of his equipment, wiping off his sidearm. His shotgun, UAC standard issue, was still in one piece. Partially buried was his chaingun. The heavy bitch took a bit of force to unearth, and upon inspection two of the six barrels were dented. Rather than risk a round getting stuck, Doomguy opted for a bit of surgery, removing the firing pins and blocking the feeding cavity. This, in theory, would sacrifice a bit of the fire rate, leaving a gap in the lead sent downrange, but it's better than nothing.

Next, the ammo cans and grenades were mostly intact. His utility knife (from the great city of Olean N.Y.) made it out of the wreckage mostly straight. By some miracle, the damn chainsaw (rock and concrete chain equipped, though it's service history was flesh and bone) That was the end of the good news.

The assault rifle, UAC special ordered Barrett INR in 9.6mm, was in a crushed heap. With a somber expression, Doomguy stripped the still intact action, bolt, and springs, tossing the remains aside. The rocket launcher looked as if it had been stuck in a furnace. Melted wiring had dried after leaking out of the optics and the main body looked burned. He salvaged the rockets but the launcher itself was lost. Mourning his losses, the Marine pulled a rocket out of its belt, twisted on the fuse and pushed the tip back into the rocket before tossing it into the wreckage behind him **.**

 **First Contact - Containment Forces**

"This might be a improvement, huh, Boss?" One of the Serafall servants, trying to laugh off the carnage in the little backwater town, had been annoying all of his comrades. The force, fully armored in a more knight-like suit of mythril plate, marched through the outskirts of the blockade.

Roland (he gave up his family name when put in service to the Gremory family) attempted to walk around the corpses but the mirrored shine of his plate muddied itself with blood and ash. A few of the Gremory servants in the town bowed as he passed, but continued stacking the dead, civilian in one pile to be burned, other troops in a neat row to be brought home. The servant knew he was going to need a report on what happened but the 'why' he already knew. There was no command structure between the families, and while there was mutual respect, any orders between families had to be phrased as requests. For all there superior training and arms, this operation was mob ruled.

He pondered the logistical failures as well until the top of the shrine echoed with a high pitched **' _CRACK_ '. **Every gore sullied troop of the Containment Forces looked in terror as the remains of the temple echoed with the report of a human weapon, "It's a fukkin human. Nothin to be scared of," Serafall's servant attempted to calm himself.

What followed was the deafening sounds of rocks moving, and behind Roland the sounds of weapons being drawn. The forces in front of him began backing away, not daring to look away.

Then, the shrine erupted, the shockwave hitting him like a punch to the gut. Magic circles flared up as a miniature Pompeii reenactment pelted the force with bits of granite, visibility plummeted with the dust, and soon all Roland could hear was his ringing eardrums. The few troops behind him began waving their arms, pointing and moving around him. He then saw a flash of light obscured by the cloud, with all his visible allies flinching and jumping back. One of his group, a fellow servant of the house of Gremory was left in front of him, grabbed one of the troops beside him and pull them back, attempting to flee **.**

A massive blur emerged from the dust, moving too fast for the servant's eyes to track, slammed into the side of the duo of troops, kicking them into an armored heap, then slowed. A humanoid form in green armor nonchalantly walked towards them, stomping the torso of the Gremory servant, having landed on his back. For a fraction of a second his breastplate held, before collapsing into his sternum, the tremendous force of the hit coating the hostile's leg in blood and bile. Without missing a beat he, no, IT stepped over and grabbed the head of the second troop, not even straining to rip it off the body.

Frozen, Roland couldn't hear his underling's cries for mercy or the spells being charged in resistance to the abomination in front of him. He couldn't hear his pulse, his ragged breath, or even ringing of his damaged ears.

 **He heard the Ripping and Tearing of flesh.**

In a hopeless act of defiance, Roland drew a saber, and charged at the monster coated in the organs of his comrades. He then heard a new sound, cacophonous clicking and a roar, just before the Slayer closed the distance between them before he could blink. Through Roland's collarbone, tearing into his torso before ripping through his crotch, spinning blades on links of chain ended him. Looking into the visor of a Space Marine's armor, the last thing Roland's mind perceived was a maniacally grinning human face.


	4. Stunting Growth

**Author - Me and the Voices in my Head**

Schizophrenia is such a funny word. To the author, it's a way to get around a silent protagonist. To the uninformed public, it's a disease. To the aspiring epidemiologist with the attention span of a squirrel on crack, its a symptom. To that same person six years later (aspiring plumber: hello ladies), it's a blanket term that doesn't quite cover anything besides a quick explanation to group A and for the author to repeat a sentiment they half remember from a dodgy medical journal to cry out, 'hey, I'm smart!' in a ridiculous run on sentence in a fanfiction that he filled two thirds of a college grade notebook with ideas and webs and then leaves the rear windows of a sedan open on a rainy day ruining all his notes and _still being the high point of the day upon discovery_. So to lament a stress relief strategy gone bad he clams up and just reads for a few months and lets retail grind every last _goddamn bit_ of individuality out of-

 _'Shut up, this is not a fourth wall break type of story and you are not clever.'_

I am the author, I outrank you!

 _'You're not funny either, all you do is clumsily try to stand on the shoulders of great comics like Mel Brooks and-"_

"Hey Effrum? Who you talking to?"

 _'-Seth MacFarlane. And you put this in a story format because you think you're witty and don't want to put an AN to the readers directly and scrap together an apology-'_

I am the author, I outrank them.

 _'-or in any way commit yourself to trying this again.'_

To be fair, since the destruction of my notes my perspective has improved on the source material after investing in the blu-ray of DxD season 4.

 _'How?'_

Dub Koneko is best girl.

 _'...Developing pedophilia is not an improvement.'_

I'm in my mid twenties, any 2D waifu hailing from anime is either really 700 years old or in highschool, I shouldn't be watching the medium at all at this point.

 _'You're rationalizing the jailbait on the internet in front of an audience.'_

FUCK START THE STORY AGAIN BRING IN GORE AND GUTS AND RAP GOD LOLI

' _ **YOU ADMIT IT!'**_

 **Red Dragon Emperor - Stunting Growth**

'Who the FUCK is Rias Gremory?' Issei, now holding a shivering blonde nun close to his chest, gaped in awe of the power radiating from his savior, a butler of the House of Gremory. One Freed Selzin, or at least what was left of him, decorated the pews and rafters of Kuoh's abandoned church, his torso and head still clinging to life on the third row. Issei shifted Asia to keep her looking at him, and tried to ignore the exorcist's jaw still attempting to draw breath in his peripheral vision.

Just minutes ago, Kiba was struggling to put a mark on the fucking lunatic, and Koneko couldn't keep up with the fight enough to be of any real help and dodge gunfire at the same time, Issei began to think he maybe just added to the casualty count with his half baked rescue attempt. Before he could commit to mentally berating himself, a slug let loose from the mad exorcist's handgun impacted the pew behind him. Time slowed, tunnel vision blurred his periphery, and his brain began working at one thought at a time.

Kiba maneuvered himself between the two with a swipe at Selzin's offhand pistol, before realizing he had overextended. The priest's blade dropped, aimed to bisect the Knight. He dropped to the church's floor rolling to the left, avoiding the blade but putting a bit of distance between the two. In his distorted sense of time, Selzin's handgun takes ages to level at his comrade. Koneko, empowered by her trademarked ' _pettanko fury'_ took the dilapidated pew behind Issei and flung it at the duel, causing both combatants to disengage and squirm out of the way before the projectile crushed them. With the little kitty letting loose an alpha cat's roar, she charged, again determined to catch and crush the creepy bastard.

"Fuck it! YOU'RE DEAD, CUMSTAIN!" Snapping out of his shock, Issei ran at Freed, attempting a pincer with Koneko, with Kiba getting back off the ground and into the fight. His emotions hit fever pitch, and an overwhelming power encased itself around Issei's left hand, but [Twice Critical] _felt_ like it wanted, no, like it needed and was _going_ to explode! To burn all who oppose it to ash! To roar! To rule! To _dominate!_

Just as he activated his Gear, a Devil stepped through the church's threshold, bearing incendiary magic and bringing, in his humble opinion, some much needed _class_ to the fight.

Twenty minutes later, the butler, a dapper young looking man introducing himself as, "Franz: servant of the House of Gremory-," mid fight, explained the nature of the pervert's Sacred Gear, "- and while it certainly can be powerful and an extremely useful trump card for the young Lady Gremory, the [Twice Critical] is still limited to multiplying your strength, young Master."

"Yeah…. Would you say you're, I dunno, one of the stronger devils on Prez's family payroll?"

Franz adopted an amused expression, glancing over his shoulder at the youths. "No young Master, I merely exist to serve refreshments to the family. My combat training is only extensive enough to keep from getting in the way of the House's security personnel." He observed the keeper of [Twilight Healing] cuddle closer into the pawn's arms, testing his… * _ahem,_ duty to Lord and Lady Gremory's reputation not to " _squee!_ " at the sight of such adorable puppy love after such awful trial by fire. The unspoken romantic intent shining through the young lady's eyes, her ruined gown adding a bit of titillation, and fire behind the soon to be lovers, pouring from the basement dramatically framing the event. In just a few seconds, if nothing spoiled this moment of youthful beauty, she will get her thoughts together, and reward the boy with a light kiss. The fire behind them would dim in comparison to the love twinkling in their eyes, ensuring many lifetimes of happiness _and he would ask for her hand in marriage and swear himself to her and she him andwouldn'ttheirbabiesbethemostadourablelittle-!_

The servant's daydream was interrupted by exaggerated gagging sounds, quickly turning to a pained shriek as he twisted the remainder of Fallen Raynare's wing. Seething, Franz pulled her to his height by the exposed bone jutting out of her back, rapidfire whispering about everything being ruined and Asia's children not calling him the favorite butler or somesuch. Deciding to just let it be, Issei sidestepped the overzealous shipping servant, and continuing into the church yard and reuniting with the rest of the peerage.

"Hey, guys-"

"Dawww, the hero carrying the lady! So cute!" Akeno continued in a sultry purr, "So, little nun, are you going to reward the hero? You certainly seem dressed to…." She trailed off, satisfied with her work, as Asia had turned a shade of red that the Gremory's hair paled in comparison. Issei, fighting a nosebleed, looked over to his superiors, specifically Kiba, and bowed his head.

"I'm sorry. This was my idea and I couldn't do a damn thing to the slimy fuck." He gulped, now having the entire peerage's attention, "I knew that he was out of my league after last time, and I wanted to help, but he was so much better than me that…." His tears ran freely, "I almost got everyone killed."

"I was useless." Seeing Kiba try to protest, he kept speaking, "This was my mission, and I couldn't-" A flash interrupted him, and a sword spawned at his feet.

With a flash of Kiba's smirk, "Then let's get you stronger." Issei's melancholy turned to conviction.

-Two Weeks Later-

Asia Argento unofficially joined the ranks of Rias Gremory's peerage (being a bit stubborn concerning the loss of her humanity), and Issei, now determined to reach the level of combat prowess that his fellow members had displayed, didn't even have to be baited into training with hints of nudity. Being allied with an excellent swordsman, he was quickly taken on as Kiba's apprentice, and was now at least decent in his footwork, and what little gains in the magic department he had made was thanks to Akeno's instruction, making him a bit more dangerous when supplementing his admittedly clumsy swordplay with weak lightning augmentation. Coupled with [Twice Critical] he could actually keep up with Kiba for two minutes a session. His physical reflexes were improving at an acceptable rate, but nothing could truly set him apart from any other low level combat-focused devil other than inexperience.

 **Ruin Princess - Stunting Growth**

This, while none of her underlings could tell, was truly frustrating Rias. Her supposed wedding was being pushed by the Phenex, and as much as she was sure she was not going to marry such a pig, she had to concede that her peerage wasn't nearly at the point she needed. In her most private moments, her eyes betrayed her thoughts. "You think investing that heavily into Hyoudou was a mistake." Not a question, a statement, Sona knew her friend and could read her worries. In the privacy of their bath, away from prying ears, this was the only place she would dare discuss something like this. Even with her glasses fogging with the bathwater's steam, Sitri saw the fires of denial in Rias' eyes, then embers of fading conviction, then ashes of hopelessness.

"I don't know what to do," a crestfallen whimper escaped. "Gaspar is my only hope at this point but I… I can't control him yet. And…-"

"Then make yourself better!"

"Waaah! Sister?" Indeed, a gloriously naked Levi-tan appeared! and latched herself to her sister's rather petite frame. Rias thought the damn security of this room was strong but apparently she needed to update the enchantments, but more importantly….

"What?"

"Riiiiaaaaas, get her ooooofffff!"

"So small and cute! It's been so long since my dose of sisterly skinship! You have to get better and lead your peerage, Ria! You love them, and they love you but you never seem to care about how strong they are as long as they are happy, you need to train yourself and they will get stronger to please you and _my little So-So's just the cutest!"_ Rias gazed at her reflection in the bathwater, pondering the advice from Leviathan. Eccentricity aside, one certainly didn't get a title like that without some serious power, but more than that, she had to have displayed much more leadership experience.

'Am I the weak link?' An obvious possibility to be sure, but she really didn't want to face it. The sinking feeling in Rias's stomach was quickly pushed out by a determined blaze of pride. She was the Princess of Ruin! If she couldn't take some flaming pigeon, she really shouldn't have that intimidating a title! Looking up, a determined smirk decorating her face, Rias spoke, "Thank you, Lady Levia-" Let it be known that stoking willpower and introspection makes for shit situational awareness.

Sona's canines were lodged deep in her bottom lip, keeping some less than refined sounds in. Sera's teeth took hold of her little sister's ear, nibbling away under a sultry grin. At some point she had pulled Sona into her lap leaving her hands free to wander. Sona's expression under her askew eyewear was a war between 'how could you let her do this?' and 'my older sister knows all my sweet spots, and _hot damn_ is she proving it!' with the latter gaining ground by the millisecond. Blood rushed North to color Rias's cheeks (as Sona's blood rushed South) and she pondered if she should allow some privacy even when her superior clearly didn't. These trivial questions took a backseat to, _ahem,_ scientific curiosity as she observed Serafall Leviathan's hand snake its way down past Sona's belly button, reaching for quite possibly the wettest place in the bath at the moment.

"Rias, a moment?" Sirzechs walked around the corner into the bath, impressed that Rias could jump 12 feet into the air without the use of her wings, and could weaponize her screams to split eardrums. Let it be known that watching girl on girl incestuous molestation makes for shit situational awareness.

" _IN A BATH, BROTHER! WE ARE IN A BATH!"_ Rias screamed at about 3 octaves higher than her normal 'I'm pissed at Sirzechs' scream. She tried to take her lungs back from the hyperventilation fairy as her heartbeat attempted to recreate the beat of a nightcored Alvin and the Chipmunks single.

"I am aware, I needed to see you."

"Fine, dammit, fine. What?" 'Don't strangle your brother, don't strangle your brother, don't strangle your brother….'

"Well, good news, your wedding date argument is being postponed! Bad… well the Grigori are sending a team to deal with the slayer and this being the most convenient portal staging area where we can keep an eye on them means a few of the Fallen's stronger operatives are going to be here in about 4 hours." Still grinning like everything is under control, that's what keeps everything together. Rias stood in shocked silence. It would have been the room in shocked silence but Serafall already knew and had some bigger priorities, and Sona is, under the right ministrations, _extremely vocal._

 **Doom Slayer - Video Game Mechanics**

In an underworld technicolor desert, littered with canyons, "Ooh, a human!" a 10 foot tall hulking mass of silver armor hissed, pulling a Winchester Model 1894 from its back, leveling it at the marine.

"And he looks wounded! And those toys, those beautiful babies deserve some worthwhile mistresses!" another armored goliath, armed with a pair of Colt Dragoons.

"Oh, you will make such fun prey!" The pair began maniacally laughing, doubling over and gasping for breath between guffaws, before being interrupted by an energy slug passing through the gut of armored hoss A.

B responded with an intelligent, "Huh?" before Doomguy put his fist through its face. Both monsters fell apart, scraps of metal rolling away from the body as though nothing held it in place beforehand.

Let it be known that grandstanding makes for shit situational awareness.

The man looked at his new loot, beautiful vintage works of engineering, well used but well maintained. Admiring the pieces, he almost missed a small spark of light crawling its way out of the scrap pile. Almost.

Pointing his new six shooters, the light saw death and pissed herself, as her sister from the recyclables yelled a frantic, "WAIT! We can get you more!"

Not much could make the Doom Slayer hesitate, but expanding an arsenal of toys? The revolvers stayed on target, as the reflective visor of UAC armor turned to face the second. The two were Tinkerbell sized, blue hair back in ponytails, wearing a pair of navy-blue sailor fuku ensembles complete with flak vests. Both had red and blue heterochromia, the colors opposite on each sister. The one behind him, blue on the right, floated up, "I'm Rack, and Miss soggy skirt over there is Reload. We are low level possessor imps and without, like, twenty years to put a body together we can't really hurt you." Watching the Dragoon in his left hand move her way she spoke in a shrill scream, "WAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT, but we can help! The only way we lasted this long is a _lot_ of firepower, all human made, and I got stashes all over the underworld, and sis can, hey- hey sis, you got a target?"

"Huh? Wha-what?! You are going to give the big ass motherfucker that owned us in half a second _more ammo_? The fuck did Mom hit you over the head with?" Her eyes still staring down the barrel of her baby.

"Bitch, you are going to impress the death machine or so help me Satan I will _claw out your kidneys and drag them out of your incontinent cunt nowdoyouhaveatarget?_ " Rack keeping a winning smile pointed at the reflective visor through her threat.

"Bird."

"Thank you, now sir, if you could kill the bird above us so the retard can demonstrate."

With a shrug, Doomguy pointed the Dragoon in his left hand at the underworld equivalent of a vulture circling above. With a loud _CRACK_ and a cloud of smoke the bird nosedived and hit the ground. Reload then snapped her fingers and, after a little spark, some .44 ball and a powder cartridge jumped out of the corpse. Rack pulled them over and held them out with telekinesis. "See, and if you take us with you, keep us alive, and so on, all our stores are yours and anything you kill bleeds bullets! So?" In response, a shrug and a nod, and Rack let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, sir, you won't regret this!"

"Cool dude, uh, you got like a, canteen or something? So I can, uh, rinse?" The visor did not speak. "Okay, gimme like 10 minutes, I gotta find a puddle."

'See Effrum? I made some friends!'


End file.
